i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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