Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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