My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
