I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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