You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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