i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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