So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
