Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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