I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You need a sexual gate keeper
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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