I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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