so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
sarcasm needs its own font
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
