Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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