We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
