Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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