Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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