You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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