i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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