Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to have your abortion
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
