you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
