Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Let's paint friendship bongs
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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