I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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