if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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