please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
