so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
