I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
