god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
FUCK WHALES
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