Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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