Just fell off a train. Bad.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
