I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
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