i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
