I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
