The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
