Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
