I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
