he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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