haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
