I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
