I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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