so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
