i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
