I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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