a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
