yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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