my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
