just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i think im in europe. pls send help
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
