If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The beer is more important than you right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
