He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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