If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
