Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
