Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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