i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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