The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
